Relapse

State of mind:

Fear and sadness have been stalking me. I’m trying to figure out where it is coming from. Buyer’s remorse? I have had that before. I just stocked up on some art supplies that I may or may not have needed. Last night, I really beat myself up. Lots of bad dreams

Mom died about 4 months ago. I moved away from the areas in which she and my brothers lived, 6 years ago. I am physically separated from that once familiar country. The gap between my older brother has always been unbridgeable. He is totally and utterly unreachable to me, and the rest of humanity, it seems, except for the people who feed him and are steeped in his daily routine. Mom is now also unreachable.

Dream fragments:

A group of us were in a dining hall. One of the parents had a manila envelope that he was nailing to a post. He said something about letting him do this one thing for the residents. This was not allowed, normally. One woman said, “If there was something I could have been doing, and you didn’t let me, I will bet really angry.”

Living in caves. Playing games with film in the shadows. projections. Ladders, small bridges, catwalks. Playing jokes. There’s more, but I can’t dredge it up. my mind is unyielding now, just as it was a font of fear only hours ago. [Plato’s Cave reference?]

White chalk corpse outline on the upturned hull of a boat. Whale outline. She was lying there for a second and then she was gone. into the sea. I never really liked her, but she was dear to someone else I knew. That was the beginning of the split, he in service of her memory and me alone, not understanding.

Cat asleep around my neck. Itchy. I want it to go away. Can’t move my arms. Cat? skunk? Porcupine? Don’t want my hands to touch it anyway. Am I in danger?

Solstice:

Days are shortening starting today. I hate that. Soon it will be darkness most of the time. Not now, but I know it is coming. Less time in the light for pleasing things. More time to huddle. Huddle with who? Those who haven’t known me my whole life, with those who only know part of me; who only know what i’ve done lately. who have little idea or inclination to know my process, my mistakes, things that once caught my fancy, things that i had abandoned for silly reasons or for no reason at all. I am now only the tip of an iceberg. My iceberg in a melting ocean. All will be salt water soon. Undiscoverable country. Drowned.

Dream images:

Watercolor: Images from Dreams

Dream Images
12″x16″ 140# Cold Pressed Watercolor Block

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