No, this is not about me asking for help – far from it. Today I’m looking at acceptance of help, and what are the barriers for me personally to ask for it.

I feel really great when I can help someone else, and really terrible when I need help myself. I avoid asking for help at almost any cost. I remember one time that I had to ask a family member for help. I was shaking so much that I could hardly hold the telephone. I have always tried to be self-sufficient and get very cranky when I feel I should be able to do something on my own, but cannot do it.

A trait of siblings?

Part of the reason for writing this blog is to better understand what traits are common to siblings of people on the autism spectrum or sibs of any severely handicapped person. Everyone reacts differently, and I have found through comments to other posts, that some of my foibles are not necessarily due to having an autistic brother, but probably more related to the totality of my childhood environment. (These posts were about keeping things for sentimental reasons and having trouble getting rid of stuff – I’m getting better at it, by the way.)

That being said, my question for siblings is: Do you have problems asking for help for yourself?

I’d rather do it myself

In the 1960s, the headache remedy, Anacin, ran a commercial in which a mother makes a suggestion to her daughter about cooking. The young lady yells, “Mother please, I’d rather do it myself!” She is filled with remorse, and says to herself, “Sure, you have a headache, you’re, tired, irritable, but don’t take it out on your mother.” Would she accept help if she weren’t tired, irritable and headachy?

What if there was a pill that would make one better able to accept help? I’d take one.

There are those who don’t need a pill for that

If you’ve ever lived in New York City, you know that there are plenty of people on the street who are not afraid of asking for help. Some of them are in need, without a doubt. But some are downright brazen. For instance, there was a woman who was asking everyone on the street for help with buying her groceries. A generous passerby gave her five dollars. After looking at the money, she said to her benefactor, “That’s not enough,” in an insulted tone. Can you imagine that? Some people really have chutzpah. If it were me who gave her the fiver, I would have yanked it back.

What does asking for help mean for donor?

If a person is unable to help him or herself, help must be provided. In the case of my older brother, there is no doubt. He does not talk; he is autistic; very low functioning and he looks a bit scary. He knows what he wants and has no trouble asking, in his own way. For him, there is no embarrassment, no self-consciousness. If he can’t reach the food on the top shelf by himself, he will get someone else to do it for him. His case is black and white.

I have trouble with the gray areas. Being taken advantage of is toxic for me; it means that I was foolish. There are very few things I despise more than being thought a fool. How do I know I’m not being conned by someone asking for help? Maybe it doesn’t matter. But what if the guy with no legs brings them out of hiding, gets up, dances a jig, laughs in my face and says, “Gotcha, sucker!”  Just saying…

I should adopt my daughter’s attitude. She is very generous to strangers and doesn’t mind if the recipient turns out to be a con artist. She says that the impulse to help and the follow-through of actually helping is what matters. That is comforting.

What does asking for help mean for the donee?

This is a very hard for me to say. I already know it is not pleasant. One always sees in old movies, the desperate old guy who refuses to take a handout. I know what he must feel: humiliation, shame and inadequacy. If one can get past these feelings, I can imagine there would be others: gratefulness, thanks, perhaps fellowship.

Who are they who can ask?

Are there people who ask for help who are not at the end of their rope? How does that work? What happens if needed help is refused when asked for? That’s always possible.

Asking for help doesn’t fit comfortably with me at the moment. However I am very interested in how I can get to the point where I can gracefully ask for help; accept help when given and understand when help is refused. What kind of person does one have to be to do that with dignity?