No trouble from me
I never wanted to be any trouble. That holdover from my childhood is with me today. The presence of my older brother was confounding enough for my parents. Mike was low-functioning, autistic and non-verbal. It must have been a great shock for them. Even as a child I didn’t want to cause any more problems. In some bizarre way, this translated to my failure to know my own needs and a reluctance to ask for what I wanted; a tendency to live in my fantasy life and a lack of knowledge regarding what to expect from real people. On top of it all was a simmering resentment and anger.
Blame
I don’t blame anyone for this. My folks did the best they could. They encouraged me to spend time with my friends, took me to a shrink, since I was sad most of the time and praised me quite often. They both assumed that my younger brother and I were shielded from Mike’s influence. Both my parents were proud of me in my later successes. My childhood was a far cry from the abuse that many siblings endure from inept or mean-spirited parents and perhaps other family members; and though it seems innocuous enough, I am still coping with it today. Like the inflation theory of the universe, the teeny anomalies of my childhood, formed the great patterns my adulthood.
Family history
Mike was the first born. He commanded attention after I was born by virtue of the fact that he couldn’t take care of himself. When I came along. I tried to help. My younger brother was next. He was very smart and talented and commanded attention by virtue of these facts. He seemed to be able to elude the influence of our older brother; he blocked a lot of this out.
So what?
Good question. Everybody has a sad story, and mine is not even on the sadness spectrum. But it is the only story I have – and I’m sticking to it, unfortunately. I am slouching toward a decision to change things. As bad as I am at identifying my own needs, I hope I can alter my trajectory of sadness and anger. Otherwise I will just have to keep very, very busy.
feeling sadness and anger is normal. From personal experience I would say that the turning point is acknowledging they exist, as some people are so mixed up that identifying them is a challenge. when we acknowledge that they are there, and that there is a choice, another way to be; the emotions can be healed, and consequently ourselves. Someone asked me the other day if I had ever questioned weather the course of my behaviour was serving me ill. I have to say that emotions and behaviour are quite bound up together. If i could step out of my body and detatch from the emotions, what would I do? i think some of the actions I have taken would look quite different. It sounds like you are on a healing journey I wish you good luck on your trip!
Our experiences make us who we are. Through the years, people wrote books to share the experiences so that perhaps others could learn and benefit from them. Now we have this wonderful internet vehicle, where more folks can do the same. I hope you know that through your sharing you are helping others, and that you also are benefitted.
Thanks, Jill, I hope that others benefit from my experience. I have been writing stuff down privately for years, to help work things out in my mind. Sharing on line is a vulnerability, although I am not risking that much at this point. I’ve always wanted to get my writing, photos, paintings, other artwork, and musings about science out there. It is indeed gratifying to have this forum to reach out to others. Eventually I would like to self publish.
Thank you, Ruth.
I have no problem recognizing that I have a lot of anger and sadness. Although I’ve recognized of late that things that make me sad turn almost immediately to anger. Interesting revelation, I think. It’s hard for me sometimes to dwell on the sad feelings, although I have been known to do so. As for the anger part, I can dwell on that almost indefinitely. I think I’d rather feel angry than vulnerable.
I’ve also been told that sometimes feelings can follow expressions. That is, that stupid, insipid song, ‘Put on a Happy Face’, might have something to it. Ugh…
It’s time for you to see “On Golden Pond” again. 🙂
Oy!